My spiritual journey kicked into high-gear 18 months ago and the challenge factor upscaled along with it.
My beautiful and deep return to myself came with unexpected emotional hits along the way. And then, I was faced with the most challenging thing to date: learning to feel safety and joy again.
Insight
Here's what I didn't expect: the hardest part of healing deep pain and trauma isn't becoming as perfect and knowledgeable as possible to overcome the darkness. It's letting healing happen through love, joy, and peace.
Endless searching and digging for the darkness hinders our power. I have had to learn to trust that my True Presence, found through soul-alignment, naturally dissolves what no longer serves when I stop gripping so tightly.
But (re)building trust takes time and patience.
It requires gradual re-learning by experiencing safety and connection in the body again. Re-patterning or unlearning negative beliefs and defense mechanisms that justify staying on alert, rationalizing settling for "what I can get," self-blaming disguised as "responsibility" in relationships, and worst-case-scenario thinking that seems like protection.
Surprisingly, it feels scary to stop holding the weight of past pain.
The lightness seems suspicious. The silence feels strange and not chasing or proving ourselves seems too good to be true. A panicked voice says: If I stop holding this pain, something bad will happen again. Last time I thought I could rest, and things fell apart.
But that is the distortion speaking. The "bad" thing didn't happen because I rested. And there were countless other times I rested and all was well.
Healing asks us to see beyond disappointment and open to new possibility. To reconnect with the innocence and creativity of our inner child—the part of us who knows how to play, trust, and receive.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk speaks to this truth: the mind alone cannot heal trauma. Healing must be somatic and relational—felt in the body and experienced in connection with others.
PRACTICES OF RE-PATTERNING:
When the "gripping" feeling of a worrisome or fearful thought comes over me, here's what I practice:
- Prayer and affirmation - Using my voice to self-soothe my mind, body, and spirit. Something like: "I am safe to relax and receive. All is well."
- Stillness over urgency - Pausing and not taking action from panic (or interrupt any action that temporarily took me over). I surrender. Like the concept of being caught in quicksand—not struggling against it, but softening into support.
- Surround myself with safe people - Leaning into current relationships with people I trust. Those who love me, encourage me, and think highly of me help with seeing and hearing myself and my world in an uplifting way.
- Appreciation and evidence - Journaling and speaking aloud positive aspects in the day. Acknowledging when I'm proved "wrong" about a worrisome thought. Evidence that safety is real helps to (re)build trust.
